WorldGirlRants

Work Definitions

2006-05-18T20:31:00.000-04:00

Every company has its own shorthand for things. Some of it is official, and some of it is unofficially used by groups of people within the company to make all the craziness of the workplace a little less daunting/scary/annoying/upsetting/ insane. Below, I share some that my colleagues and I use to lighten up the day.

Skin Suit
Definition: a creepy dude that makes all the women around him uncomfortable, bringing to mind the crazy criminal in the movie Silence of the Lambs who kidnaps women to skin them and wear their epidermis as a suit.

A group of colleagues and I call this one particular dude at work "Skin Suit" because he is universally acknowledged to creep all the women in our company out. He always stares at us, says vaguely inappropriate things, but not innapropriate enough to actually do anything about it, and just generally makes us feel uncomfortable. In my experience, every woman I know at work cringes when he walks by. We use this name to kind of make ourselves laugh and to make him a little less creepy.

The Penske File
Definition: A notebook or file folder you carry around to make it look like you are on the way to a meeting, when really you are going to your friend's office to hang out.

Named after a Seinfeld episode in which George Costanza takes a job and doesn't know what he is supposed to be doing, so he just keeps talking about this file, the Penske File is useless. But it makes everything you do look really important, just by carrying it around. One of my colleagues has a red file folder to serve as his Penske File -- it really stands out and it looks really important, standing out from the usual manila ones everyone else carries around.

The Phox
Definition: The hottest guy at work. (in the interest of full disclosure, not everyone agrees with my, I mean THE, assessment that he is the hottest, yet the name is universal.)

No explanation needed, really. Just wanted to note that when used in written form, for example in IM, it is spelled with a PH, not an F. In some cases, even, colleagues (ok, I) have been known to say that this guy "puts the PH in Phox."

Member of C's Club
Definition: An anti-semite

Named after a colleague (who's first name begins with the letter "C") who once accused me of belonging to a mythical "Jew Club" that gets all sorts of privileges, my colleagues and I call anyone who makes any anti-Semitic remarks, which btw, happens more than you would think, "A member of C's Club." I'll use it in a sentence -- "so-and-so was complaining that so many people were out of the office over Passover. I think he/she is a member of C's club."

Feel free to share any "unofficial lingo" from your job in the comments section.

News Round-up

2006-05-16T20:33:00.000-04:00

A quick survey of news items that caught my eye today. Some funny, some serious, some interesting, some just silly:

1) Bill Clinton on Canada's healthcare system:

The answer to Canada's health-care woes does not lie in the "insane" system in place south of the border, former U.S. president Bill Clinton said last night.

Can I mention how much I wish he could run for President again?

2) This article, misleadingly entitled: "Bird flu -- the battle could be over," which goes on to say that it isn't:

He warns that the killer virus, which emerged in South-East Asia in 2003, could still mutate into a more virulent strain which could become a human pandemic.

3) My pure, unadulterated dismay that Paris Hilton continues to be any kind of celebtiry; and my glee upon reading this article, which describes how she made an ass of herself at E3 -- the big gaming industry event:

On May 11, hotel heiress and socialite Paris Hilton not only showed up late to endorse her upcoming cell phone game, but she also called it by the wrong name. "Sorry I'm late. I'm really excited to have my new videogame, Diamond Quest," she announced proudly to the gawking crowds. Problem is, the name of the Gameloft game -- which appeared in large letters behind the celebrity -- is "Paris Hilton's Jewel Jam." Ouch! Night-vision goggles are not required to play this handheld puzzle diversion. Ahem.

4) How all the US phone companies -- Verizon is the latest -- are starting to deny that they turned phone records over to the NSA. If no one supplied them then where did they get them?

5) Palestinian gunmen storm mobile phone company, protesting that their cellphone service was cut off. The article goes on to talk about other shooting incidents today. And Abbas has extra security because there are indications that Hamas or Islamic Jihad might take him out. This ain't good for the Palestinians and it ain't good for Israel.

6) Blackbeard's cannon on display! I just think real-life contact with pirate relics is cool.

7) "Israeli dates (the food, not the maddening pendulum of excitement followed by disappointment when you learn that he is unnaturally attached to his dog, mother, college buddies, etc., which is endured by singles in their 30s) at the forefront of shift in market trends." An article on Israeli dominance in date production -- and the global conference on dates (again, the food, not the phenomenon) held in Israel this week and attended by date farmers from Egypt, Morocco and Abu Dhabi, among other place. Wacky!

8) Getty Museum returning some antiquities to Greece:

After four hours of talks here with the Greek culture minister, the director of the J. Paul Getty Museum in Los Angeles said Tuesday that he would press for the return of some of the Getty's most prized ancient artifacts to Greece.

I have always wondered how countries like Greece, Egypt, Italy, etc. feel about national treasures residing elsewhere. Wonder if this will open the door to other countries asking for their stuff back. And I don't know how I feel about that.

Will I ever learn?

2006-05-16T20:21:00.000-04:00

So when my company sent me to London for three+ months, I introduced my parents to Skype so we could talk often without breaking the bank. Immediately upon arriving in London, I realized that I should have given them a bit more direction on Skype etiquette.

I use Skype quite a bit to talk to colleagues all over the world, so I was often on conference calls on Skype, or talking to people about work stuff. But my parents assumed that if I was online, and they could see me, I could talk. So they would call all the time. And I would send them a text chat to tell them that I couldnt talk right then. But they would just keep calling and calling, not thinking to look at the blinking little box that appeared on their screen with a message from me. I finally got them to start sending me an IM first, asking if I could talk and after that, everything was fine.

Now, you would think I would remember this, but NO. They have been enjoying using Skype so much to call family and friends in Israel and Argentina, that when I saw this news today, about the ability to make calls to landline and mobile phones within the US and Canada for free with Skype, I thought I would let them know so they could call my aunts in New York and New Jersey, etc.

I should have known that they would take this as license to call ME. My work phone. My cell phone. My home phone. Why? Because they can. Now I know why my brother refuses to download Skype. Eh, at least I made them happy and we have a new Skype development to talk about.

Huh?

2006-05-15T19:55:00.000-04:00

Maybe this isn’t worthy of comment, but I’m gonna comment anyway. I’m going to talk about two articles – one that appeared in The Arab News, and one that appeared on Ynet – both reporting on the same thing. Namely, comments made by Palestinian President Abbas on Naqba (which means catastrophe), the day Palestinians mourn the founding of the State of Israel.

Here are the headlines:

Abbas Decries Israeli Excuses
and
Abbas Calls for Peace Talks

Guess which one is which. Here’s a hint – Arab News is not an Israeli newspaper.

Now, let me just note for a minute what Naqba Day commemorates. Not the Six Day War in 1967 when Israel captured the West Bank and Gaza, but the establishment of the State of Israel in 1948. That is their catastrophe. But more on that in a moment.

What stuck me initially is the amazingly different tone of these two articles. While one is fiery and angry, the other is strangely naïve given the circumstances.

Here’s a taste from the Arab News article:

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas yesterday called on Israel to resume negotiations and warned against Tel Aviv taking unilateral action. In a speech marking Nakba, the Day of Catastrophe for Palestinians when Israel was founded 58 years ago…

“Let’s make this year the year of peace, let’s sit at the negotiations table away from the policy of diktats and unilateralism. Stop making excuses there’s no Palestinian partner, the partner is there,” Abbas, now on a visit to Russia, said in a pre-recorded address…

In his speech, Abbas warned Israel that unilaterally setting “final borders” with a Palestinian state, as Olmert has pledged to do by 2010 if peace talks cannot be resumed, risked provoking a deeper spiral of violence.

Now, I don’t know about you, but this doesn’t sound like “decrying excuses” to me. But it does sound weak, stupid and like a crock of shit. Perhaps I am picky, but it seems to me that calling for peace with a country in a speech written specifically to mark a day of mourning for the founding of said country is -- how shall I put this? -- RIDICULOUS.

If you’re really after peace, how about starting with getting rid of this “day of mourning”? And yet, many global news sources covered this “call for peace” seriously. Can you imagine the reaction if Olmert called for a return to negotiations during a “Palestinians Don’t Exist” Parade? (note to those not in the know – we don’t actually have such parades. But apparently, that would be acceptable… Oh wait, no it wouldn’t. Israel has to play by different rules.)

Now, read some selections from the almost-laughable Ynet coverage of the same speech:

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas on Monday called for Israel to return to the negotiating table in a speech marking the anniversary of what the Palestinians consider to be the “Catastrophe,” or the Naqba, of Israel’s creation. Unlike in past years, Palestinians have not planned massive demonstrations on the day marking the anniversary of the event, and Abbas used the occasion to appeal to the Israelis with a message of peace that discouraged unilateral steps…
(MY NOTE: apparently, the lack of mass demonstrations is considered progress. This is what Israel has to cling to. They have small parades and speeches broadcast on Palestinian TV, and demonstrations like this one found on AbbaGav's site... see "second misconstruance" -- rather than massive demonstrations. Good times!)
…”I tell our neighbors, the Israelis, that we want to make a just and lasting peace with you, and we want a better future for our children and yours. So come to make this year a year of peace,” He said in a recorded speech set to be broadcast later Monday on Palestinian television and radio…

…In his speech, Abbas signaled to Hamas that it must change its ways and pursue a path of diplomacy. “The PLO, which led our people in its most difficult times, would not have survived until now, or received international recognition, had it not been forthcoming in formulating courageous political initiatives,” He said.

Um… Hello Ynet editors?! Do you consider Naqba events nothing more than a handy journalistic tool to let the reader know what day of the year it is? I mean, really. How can this call for peace be covered seriously? Believe me, I am tired of this, too. I want something positive to happen. But sadly, I don’t think this is it.

Back on the Wagon

2006-05-15T19:35:00.000-04:00

OK, so it's been an inordinately long time since I posted. And I probably don't have any readers anymore. But I'm ready to get out there and start writing again and hope someone stumbles on my thoughts and tells two friends. And they tell two friends. And so on... and so on. (OK, I can picture the shampoo bottle from this ad from like the 70s, but can't think of the brand name. It was green... shout out to anyone who remembers.)

Since I posted last, I've been to Lisbon, Portugal and Helsinki, Finland. Both amazingly cool places that I need to see again. I've also been to Las Vegas, which I've seen a million times. I won my usual $100. Which is what I usually win, since I don't have the stomach for gambling. Once I'm up $100, I feel like its time to walk away and be glad for what I've got. Sad, no?

Anyway, this is just my post declaring my return, so I'll wrap it up. And start writing interesting stuff from now on.

Maastricht Review

2006-03-23T07:04:00.000-05:00

I love the city of Masstricht in the Netherlands. It's beautiful and very very cool from a history perspective. The river area is gorgeous and has very cool Roman historical sites, which I love.

The downtown market area is also great. Beautiful architecture as well as very cool, hip shops with some very cool design. I strongly recommend it, and I plan to go back in the Summer when the weather is good and you can really enjoy the river and walking around.

From a restaurant perspective, I had one of the best meals I have had in a long time at Les Trois Seaux, a fantastic fish restaurant with amazing food, great wine and a terrific atmosphere. Make a note -- their address is Markt 41 in Masstricht and I highly recommend it.

What I don't recommend is proceeding to a bar after a long dinner during which each attendee probably drank a whole bottle of wine each. Although the beer was good, the people friendly and the company superb, its a bad idea the night before a meeting. Sales guys -- they always being me down.

Parental Advisory

2006-03-22T07:42:00.000-05:00

Sorry about the posting delay! On Friday, my parents arrived for nine fun-filled days in my small one bedroom apartment. Which is mostly a lot of fun, but does not afford me much privacy to write (or anything, really!)

Last night, I returned exhausted from two days in Germany and the Netherlands – long meeting schedule, train trips, flights delayed, all sorts of travel mishaps, just wanting to take a bath, order room service and go to bed. And when I walked in the door, my parents were literally waiting by the door in their coats – “Let’s go to a pub for dinner! We’ve been waiting for you! We want to take you out! You probably need a beer! etc.” Was so sweet but so the opposite of what I wanted at that moment in time. (Look for a subsequent post, probably later today, in which you will learn that I was totally hungover and wanted to die, actually, not go to a pub and have another beer!)

I love having them here, and they're great. It's just that whenever they are not out and about touring, they want to spend every moment with me. If I open up my laptop, my dad will literally come sit next to me to see what I am typing. If I go to the bathroom, I will hear them calling out to ask "where are you?" It's a one-bedroom apartment! Where do they think I am? So my writing will be a bit sporadic... but I have no doubt, worth it.

Some parental visit highlights for your amusement --

My dad's constant asking in every pub whether they have "any beer at all that is served cold?" And he knows the answer -- that British cold beer
isn't American cold beer. But yet, he enjoys the exchange for some insane reason!

My Mom's obsession with taking photos of the kids with mohawks at Camden Market. Hilarious, but oh-so-kooky parental!

Their shared love of the supermarket. They go to Tesco every day to
buy hilarious stuff. Chocolate-covered ginger biscuits, taramasalata and
croissants one day. Dove soap, orange juice, cheddar cheese and plums the next. Evcery day -- some other weird amalgamation of purchases!

And of course, their well-meaning but slightly amusing obsession with my having a good breakfast. Usually, my breakfast consists of coffee and
cigarettes. Occasionally, a yogurt. My father wakes up every morning
to make me a full on breakfast complete with omelette before they leave for their sightseeing. It's so funny. On Monday, when I had to leave for
the airport early, they got up early to make breakfast and eat with me before I left on my trip. Was so sweet (and hilarious!)

Next up: Why traveling with sales people is bad news for your liver. Plus, how cool are the Dutch?

Craziness at Starbucks

2006-03-16T07:07:00.000-05:00

I was having some internet issues earlier today, so went to Starbucks to use the hotspot and get some work done.

So I'm minding my own business, working on my laptop when this guy comes in and sits at the table next to mine. He is wearing a suit and a pinky ring. And he is trying to chat with me despite the fact that I am clearly working on something.

Now, maybe, if I wasn't stressed about not having internet in my place and trying to meet some deadlines, I might have started to chat with him, but I didn't really have the time. So I just smiled politely and kept on working.

Suddenly he picks up his cellphone and "makes a call." (I use parentheses because I am not totally convinced he actually called anyone) He then proceeds to LOUDLY exclaim the following:

"Listen, Man. I am NOT going back to Baghdad. I don't care how
much they want me back. I don't care if they give me personal 24 hour a
day bodyguards. I need a life and that place will f**k you up! Are
you at the American Embassy? Oh, the British one? OK. Yeah,
well tell them I'm not coming back, OK? Yeah, thanks."

Apparently, this was designed to get everyone's attention because he then leans over to me and says, "Hi, I just got back from Baghdad. Don't ever go there. That place will f**k you up."

He is clearly waiting for me to ask, so I say, "Oh, what were you doing in Baghdad?" He responds that he was "consulting." And then asks what I do. I respond that I work in marketing for a company in the wireless space. He says, "Oh wow. I do marketing for wireless, too. Ringtones, stuff like that" So of course, I can only respond, "IN BAGHDAD?!" Because clearly that makes no sense.

But little did I know that he was saving his BIG GUNS in an attempt to really impress me. He leans in close, and then YELLS OUT (why someone leans in to yell in your face, I have no idea...) "Actually, I was working for Halliburton!" and sits back and waits for me to be blown away. As if that would impress, rather than horrify me.

I mention that this is not impressive and he says, "Oh, are you familiar with Halliburton?" (I stifle the desire to tell him that unlike him, I am not an idiot.) Then follows it up by asking if I am American. (As if my accent doesn't make it obvious.) When I respond in the affirmative he tells me that he carries American, British, Canadian, Belgian and Dutch passports. I find this claim dubious but respond, "that's nice."

He then asks my name. When I answer him, he says, "Oh, are you Israeli?" When I say that my parents are he confides, "I have an Israeli passport, too." Which seem farfetched, especially given his recent time in Baghdad and the fact that no one has 6 passports unless they bought most of them. He may have realized because he next screams out, "You know the Israelis are all over Baghdad. The eye in the sky." Whatever the hell that means!

At the risk of being non-PC, may I just add here that there was a very devout Muslim family in the Starbucks when he yelled out this "Eye in the Sky" stuff -- so devout that even the wife's EYES were covered. (like she would have totally passed muster under the Taliban) and they, along with everyone else were STARING and talking about him. (Everyone in the place was pointing and talking quietly, and I can only pray they felt sorry for me, rather than thinking that I am also crazy or somehow was encouraging him to spout this nonsense) I'm sure this family were thrilled to hear this guy screaming about Halliburton, Iraq and Israel's "eye in the sky"! No wonder there's a culture clash -- Canadian/American/Europeans appear to be brash idiots with multiple passports who lie and scream and make no sense.

He then asks how old I am. When I say 36, he responds, "Really? Wow. I'm 36 too!" Like this is an amazing coincidence and we're fated to meet. He follows up with "are you dating anyone?" I of course use my years of experience deflecting crazies and lie and say yes... But that does not deter him.

He starts looking for more things we have in common. (Meanwhile, I am pointedly IMing, emailing and generally trying to seem busy on my laptop, but he doesn't care...)

He asks what countries I have traveled to. My last trip was to Budapest, so I offhandedly, while typing, say "I was recently in Budapest." Of course, he "also has family from Budapest." In fact, "he was just thinking that I look very Hungarian" -- which I am not and do not, by the way. If I had said Alaska, or Zimbabwe, I'm sure he would have had a connection there too.

He then asks where I went to school. I say Brandeis and although he does not claim to have gone there, he does know tons of people who did. He asks if I have attended any synagogues in London. I say that I am not very observant and he says "Oh, neither am I, I was just wondering if you were. I can't believe how much we have in common. Is the guy you're dating in the UK or the US?" Hello, non-sequitir.

This craziness of manufacturing things we have in common goes on and on... and he is SCREAMING about Iraq and Halliburton and Israel and his 9000 passports. And all I want to do is run away. Especially since he has asked for my phone number a number of times now and I know that there is no way I can continue to get out of giving it to him.

I IM a colleague and ask him to call me immediately. He calls me and says "What's going on?" thinking I want to talk about a work issue. I say "You want me back in the office? They moved the deadline up?" (this colleague is nowhere near the office, BTW) He is of course confused so I say, "Ok, I'm just chatting with this guy at Starbucks, but I'll wrap it up and come right in. I'll be there in 20 minutes." Thankfully, my colleague is quick and he understood from my clue what was going on. In fact, he called back a few minutes later to make sure I escaped. I owe him a huge debt of gratitude!

But now I need to find a new Starbucks... I have a feeling Mr. Halliburton United Nations 36 year old Crazy will be back. And he's gonna want my phone number.

Music Bias

2006-03-12T15:34:00.000-05:00

I always feel like the US is somehwat unique in the way people just sort of pick a genre of music -- like hip hop, alternative, classic rock, whatever -- and simply identify themselves as fans of that particular type of music. Like as if the huge Pearl Jam fan you know doesn't secretly have a BellBivDevoe tape or cassingle of Young MC's "Bust a Move" left over from college that they listen to when no one is around.

Now I know that this is a huge generalization, so don't go writing comments saying I'm a "snob" or "generalizing" or whatever, or accusing me of having said BellBivDevoe tape. I freely admit to liking a bizarre mix of genres. I'm just setting the stage for what I have seen in many other countries I have travelled to, and which I witnessed during last week's trip to Athens and Budapest.

People in other countries just don't seem as constricted by music genre labels. A radio station abroad (let's say in Germany) could feasibly play Rage Against the Machine, followed by a song from Grease folowed by Air Supply followed by Ricky Martin followed by some song from Romania. And no one would think this was odd.

In the US, on the other hand, these songs would not cross over outside of their traditional "format" based on the station -- and some of them would never be heard at all.

Some examples from this past trip:

1) In a meeting, a Hungarian guy told me that his three favorite bands are Deep Purple, Pink Floyd and Black Eyed Peas. Seriously.

2) During a 15 minute taxi ride in Athens I heard the following on the radio: A Greek pop song (which was very cool by the way), INXS, "You're the One that I Want" from Grease, "Son of a Preacher Man", and Madonna.

3) I was told that the most downloaded music in Hungary comes from two genres: Hungarian Folk Music and Dance/Electronica -- and the demographics for these are virtually the same.

Are we just too self-concious in the US? Do we just feel like everything we do -- clothes, food, musical taste, etc. -- must make a statement and place us in our perceived "social sphere" at all times? Why do we make instant judgements about people based on the music they listen to? And why do we abandon so much music after a few months? I'm not saying everyone does these things, but it does seem uniquely American to say "I'm a 90s music person," or "That song is so Adult Contemporary." (OK, so I admit I've actually uttered the last one...)

I just can't imagine meeting an American who claims Deep Purple, Pink Floyd and Black Eyed Peas as their favorite bands. And sometimes, its nice to hear some random unexpected tune come on after the latest and greatest. It helps you to remember songs you really liked a long time ago, or the time back in 1981 you and your cousin developed dance routines to every song on a particular Abba album.

Hungarian Politics

2006-03-11T14:10:00.000-05:00

So I also went to Hungary on this last trip, and I'll write all about the cool stuff I saw and how much I liked it in a subsequent post, but first, I just HAVE to write about this fantastic article I read in the Budapest Times -- an English language paper I found in my hotel room when I checked in.

I have located it online, so you can read the whole thing here, if you like. It has got what I believe is one of the best headlines I have ever read in a non-satirical news outlet: Fidesz accuses Gyurcsány of saying “Hungary can blow me” -- have you ever seen a better headline?!?!

Here's an excerpt, copied word for word from the article:

The main opposition party last Thursday continued its negative election campaign against the ruling Hungarian Socialist Party (MSZP) with a claim that Prime Minister Ferenc Gyurcsány told the nation to “blow him.”

Fidesz political communications director, Tamás Deutsch-Für, referred to a picture in which Gyurcsány appeared to be pointing his thumb in the general direction of his crotch.

“Hungary can blow me [Magyarország bekaphatja],” said Deutsch-Für. “This is what Gyurcsány was saying with this gesture.”

Deutsch-Für called for a press conference to interpret the photograph, taken in Karcag, central Hungary, saying that Gyurcsány made the “foulest possible” gesture in response to criticism from locals.

This is fantastic. I wish American newspapers spent more time at press conferences analyzing the gestures (and idiotic facial expressions) of American politicians. The tone and seriousness of this article just made me realize that I would have a good time in Hungary even before I actually unpacked my suitcase and headed out into the city.

Oh, and I also appreciate that I now know (as a result of the helpful translation in the article) how to say "Hungary can blow me" if I ever get into an altercation with a Hungarian.

My Big Fat Greek Trip

2006-03-11T09:41:00.000-05:00

Ok, so not an original post headline, but I've got a lot of ground to make up and couldn't be bothered to be original. I was traveling all last week and didn't post at all (which some of you have kindly pointed out -- a few times -- via email.) So I'll start with my trip to Athens.

I was in Athens for business. Arrived Tuesday night for a Wednesday morning meeting. After a few drinks with my colleagues, we met some people from one of our partners for dinner. Apparently, it IS possible to get a bad Greek meal in Athens. Was so so disappointing. But Greece itself is amazing. The people are wildly friendly -- in fact, they refer to everyone as "my friend" -- as in "My friend, where are you from?" or "My friend, where would you like to go?" or "My friend, to the right is the Acropolis."

On Wednesday morning we got in a taxi for the drive to our meeting. We get in and the driver is like, "What time is your meeting?" We say 10 and he responds, "Oh, don't worry, in Athens there is a lot of traffic, so they really mean 'about 10.' You actually have until 10:30 to get there." And he wasn't kidding. it took almost an hour to go 6 km.

On the way, I had one stupid American experience. I'm sitting in the back of the taxi, kinda zoning out and tired, when we pass this gorgeous building with Greek letters on it. My first thought is, "Wow. That's a nice fraternity house," before I realize that actually I am an idiot and its a government building, not a freaking US college fraternity house. Damn those freaking homophobic fake college clubs that ruin the GREEK LANGUAGE, and make me look like an ass. Thankfully, I didn't say anything out loud, but I don't even like looking like an ass to myself.

The other cool thing about taxi drivers in Athens is that they like to serve as tour guides, and you can't drive around Athens without seeing something cool, like the Acropolis, the Temple of Zeus or the stadium where they held the first modern Olympic games.

Had a much better dinner at the harbor the second night and even got a taxi driver to take me to the Acropolis and wait for me to climb up and see it before taking me to the airport on Thursday. I am definitely going back!

Not The Onion

2006-03-05T06:48:00.000-05:00

Amazingly, this story, about Geraldo Rivera wanting to emigrate to Israel and run for Knesset is not from The Onion, but a real news story.

Can I just point out that I mentioned Geraldo on this blog a week or so ago? Apparently, I am psychic. Hey Geraldo, did you get some sort of tip that Al Capone's valuts were actually in Israel? I think Israel can do without anyone affiliated with Fox News, but that's just me...

More Insane TV

2006-03-04T17:22:00.001-05:00

As Alex so wisely pointed out to me, the posts regarding TV on my blog tend to get the most comments and action (and have helped make me numero uno on Google for the search term "Insane TV"). So with that in mind, I'm going to talk TV yet again.

This time, though, I'm gonna start with an Insane TV commercial. Specifically, one for "Fairy"- a dishwashing detergent. You can view the ad for the Active Burst Tabs here. What makes a dishwahser tablet ad so insane, you ask? Perhaps it is the presence of three male celebrity chefs, eating dinner, arguing about who will do the "washing up" and then allowing "the fairy" to do it. Is it me? I didn't realize these guys were actual celebrity chefs until I studied up on it, so I was a bit taken aback. Now, I'm just amused. I'm also wondering whether or not this was intentional. In any case I am pretty sure this ad would not have happened in the US.

Next instance of "Insane TV" -- the importation of another American Freakshow -- Amish in the City. Apparently this show aired on UPN in like 2004? Although I was lucky enough to miss it then, I caught the first episode today. And it's what you think it is -- an MTV Real World-type house that brings together 6 "regular" (if you can call these charicatures of people "regular") twenty-somethings and 5 Amish young adults on their "rumspringa" (or time off from being Amish before they become full-fledged adult members of their community) to live in LA.

The most horrific part of this show (among many) is the embarassing behavior of the so-called "regular" people, including the busboy with the painful South Boston accent, the "cool guy" who shaves the chest of one of the Amish guys on the first night, and the girl who immediately calls the Amish girls "competition" the minute they shed their bonnets. And sadly, I fear you're supposed to root for the Amish people to forsake their traditions and instead embrace the lives of these fools at the end. My only real comment on this show is, "WHY?!"

Food Hall Fun

2006-03-04T14:59:00.000-05:00

I spent a fabulous afternoon in the Harrod's Food Hall today. I love that place. (The Krispy Kreme stall -- complete with HUGE line -- notwithstanding. Can someone please explain that to me? How Krispy Kreme made it into the Harrod's Food Hall? What's next? Dunkin' Donuts? Arby's?) Anyway, other than that, there's something about that space that causes all sense of reason to go out the window. But its just so fabulous, you can't help youself.

I went absolutely nuts. Teas, pastries, cheeses and a bunch of prepared foods. I got to one stand and they had the most amazing-looking prepared middle-eastern dishes and I went wild. Bought everything I wanted.

My dad called me this evening and I was telling him all about it. Going on and on... How I bought falafel, and stuffed grape leaves and tabouleh and moussaka'a, etc. And as I'm teling him the story, I'm like, "yeah, it was only a pound twenty per grape leaf and a pound per falafel, and I got a ton. I'm gonna have to make sure I don't eat it all at once." And my dad is laughing, saying, "You paid $2 per falafel ball? Are you nuts? I hope you love them!"

So apparently, I got sucked into the mania that is the Harrod's Food Hall... and that's OK. Next time, I might skip the falafel, though...

More Cartoon Craziness

2006-02-26T18:49:00.000-05:00

Honestly, I can't believe I'm posting YET ANOTHER crazy story about cartoons, but apparently, dissecting cartoondom is now in vogue. If brown was last season's black, then apparently, cartoons are this season's brown.

With a hat tip to The Sandmonkey, I'd like to direct you to this post at Respectful Insolence, entitled "Tom & Jerry: a nefarious Jewish plot." Apparently, at Iran's universities, they are teaching that Jews are controlling the minds of children and spreading propaganda through Tom & Jerry.

Honestly, this one has me stumped. (I thought for sure no one would figure that one out... I mean, we've been hiding that little mind control strategy since 1940 when the cartoon debuted. It's only taken 66 years. Mazal Tov, Mr. Iranian Professor, on your incredible stick-to-it-iveness and powers of deductive reasoning.)

Read the article, though. It's pretty funny (if you forget to be scared for minute) and the comments at the end are excellent, too.

As promised, I'll keep bringing you the cartoon action as it happens.

ps -- Superfriends is also a Jewish plot. Aquaman. Israel has a coastline. Get it? Just wanted to save you a few decades and let you in on that one now.

Bollocks!

2006-02-26T18:35:00.000-05:00

Hahahaha! Johnny Rotten slays me.
Read this article headlined: Bollocks to fame, we're the Sex Pistols.

Best quote:
Next to the SEX PISTOLS, rock and roll and that hall of fame is a piss stain.

US Ports Flap

2006-02-25T07:22:00.000-05:00

You know, when Al Jazeerah writes an editorial, it would be helpful if the writer wasn't INSANE. Now, I know you are sitting there saying, "Um, did you really expect them NOT to be insane?" but I'm telling you, this one takes the cake.

In this OpEd in which the writer -- surprise, surprise -- calls the opposition to the UAE-based company running US ports racist, the most obvious instance of insanity is the following quote:

The deal's opponent claim that Dubai Ports World is owned by a foreign government whose nationals were involved in September 11 attacks on the U.S., but nobody cited similar concern when the ports were under the management of a British firm, despite the fact that some “terrorists” have also carried British passports. No concerns were ever raised about the UK involvement in the U.S. ports, although the British Army once burned Washington.

Now, leaving aside the audacious use of quotataion marks around the word terrorists, as if people who fly planes into buildings and blow up trains aren't terrorists, can we just spend a minute on this argument about the British Army burning Washington DC? This occurred in the year 1814. Not 2001. Are they idiots?

Sadly, the masses who turn to Al Jazeerah for their news probably won't know when the War of 1812 took place, so I suppose they might think it happened on Clinton's watch, before Bush and Blair fell in love.

I'm not going to comment here on the overriding issue, because I'm conflicted in how I feel about this controversy. On the one hand, discriminating against a country because of its ethnic/religious make-up is wrong (and if I don't want that done to Israel, I can't advocate it being done to other countries), on the other, it's not like this is just random racism.. There do seem to be security issues involved...

But I WILL comment on Al Jazeerah's stupidity. Go ahead and make your argument, but come on. 9/11 + 7/7 does not equal 1812. Not even close. And in saying it does, you just look STUPID.

Tag, You're It!

2006-02-23T16:36:00.000-05:00

So I first started this blog intending it to be read only by my friends (well, maybe 50% of my friends). Then I started getting readers from all over the world that I didn't know, and I thought that was cool. Shortly after that, some other bloggers linked to me, and I got in touch with some other bloggers and I thought, "Cool. I'm part of a community."

And now, I've been introduced to a new blogging tradition -- the meme -- by AbbaGav. What this means is that I've got to answer the below list of questions, then tag four other bloggers. Who knew this would be so much work?! In the spirit of being a productive member of my new blogging community, here goes:

1) Black & White, or Color: How do you prefer your movies?

Considering my favorite movie of all time -- Casablanca -- comes only in b&w, I'm gonna have to go with that. That being said, I can't imagine another of my faves -- Good Fellas -- in anything but color.

2) What is the one single subject that bores you to near-death?

Brangelina

3) MP3s, CDs, Tapes or Records: How do you like your music?

MP3s, although one of the best things about MP3s is the fact that I can use them to burn CDs for people and for my commute -- a new one every day to match my mood, if I want to.

4) You are handed one first class trip plane ticket to anywhere in the world and ten million dollars cash. All of this is yours provided that you leave and not tell anyone where you are going … Ever. This includes family, friends, everyone. Would you take the money and ticket and run?

This is a tough one. Every fiber of my being is screaming, "say yes!" but I don't think I could do it without telling (and taking!) my friends and family.

5) Seriously, what do you consider the world's most pressing issue now?

I like the spirit of AbbaGav's answer: "The growing divide between Islam and the Western world" but I'm gonna take it further/broader and say, the increasing polarization of the world in general, even as technology is supposedly making earth a "global village." Traveling here in Europe, talking to people of diverse backgrounds and reading the news, I am troubled by a culture of blame, an increasing "us & them" attitude and a focus on issues or taking sides rather than on people. If humanity can't get past that, we're screwed.

6) How would you rectify the world's most pressing issue?

If I knew how to do that, I'd have a much more important job than I currently do.

7) You are given the chance to go back and change one thing in your life. What would that be?

I would have moved to Israel right after graduating from high school, done my army service and stayed there.

8) You have the chance to go back and change one event in world history. What would that be?

It's not original, and I'm copying both AbbaGav
and his tagger, Scottage but I would prevent the Holocaust.

9) A night at the opera, or a night at the Grand Ole' Opry. Which would you choose?

The opera. The fancy dress. A wildly romantic opera like La Traviata. And waterproof mascara.

10) What is the one great unsolved crime of all time that you'd like to solve?

I'd like to find out who robbed Geraldo of his moment in the sun by emptying out Al Capone's vaults.

11) One famous author can come to dinner with you. Who would that be and what would you serve?

J.D. Salinger, no question. And I'd make paella. He would love my paella.

12) You discover that John Lennon was right -- there is no hell below us and above us is only sky. What's the first immoral thing you might do to celebrate this fact?

Wait, do Jews even believe in hell? I don't, so this revelation wouldn't make one bit of difference to me.

Now I am supposed to tag four other bloggers. I am a bit unsure of the etiquette here. I believe the tagging process is driven mostly to highlight other blogs and provide links, introducing visitors to other blogs I find interesting or noteworthy.

Still, some of the writers of the those blogs do not necessarily know me... So what to do? I am going to assume that they will appreciate the link, and make their own choice as to whether to participate. If I've breached etiquette by tagging you without having communicated with you before (or you've done this before and don't want to do it again), please accept my apology and know that I tag because I love...

OnlyInIsrael
EgyptianSandmonkey
DovBear
An Unsealed Room

New Cartoon Crisis

2006-02-23T13:15:00.000-05:00

Now that recent events have elevated the importance of cartoons in today's global marketplace, lawmakers are looking closely at the broad spectrum of cartoondom, and passing important legislation to regulate this powerful medium.

China has thrown down the gauntlet and said, "cartoons must follow the conventions WE decide upon." Lest you think this is a "freedom of speech vs. religion" issue, let me put your mind at ease. We're not going to rehash the Mohammed cartoons again. It's actually a "humans and drawings intermingling" issue.

China's TV regulator announced today that "so-called cartoons that mainly feature real people and only occasionally have computer-generated elements" (that's an actual quote!) are hereby banned. Initially, this appears to affect the Teletubbies and showings of 1988's tour de force, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

I'm not sure why this is necessary, but who am I to question Chinese regulators, especially since neither Jessica Rabbit nor Po seem to have come out in opposition nor begun organizing demonstrations. (I'll need to do some more digging to find out whether there is a movement afoot to use the Chinese flag as toilet paper, or kindling.)

Watch this space for further cartoon-regulation news. I can't even believe I just typed that...

Honored

2006-02-21T16:50:00.000-05:00

So while I was away, and not paying attention last week, AbbaGav honored me by including my post -- Make Sense? -- in Haveil Havalim, the rotating weekly round-up of notable writing from Jewish bloggers. This week, the round-up is hosted by Soccer Dad here.

I only wish I had been paying attention and offered new visitors to my site something new and exciting to read. (Oh, the pressure!) Instead, they got to read about my business trips. Not that interesting to people who don't know me (or dare I say it, even to people who DO know me... but my friends have to pretend that they care...)

In any case, whether you are Jewish or not, there is some great writing being highlighted, so please check it out -- and I will try to provide a link to the latest host each week. You'll enjoy the reading, and you might learn something, too.

And thanks to AbbaGav for the shout-out. (and raising the bar!)

The Centre!

2006-02-21T06:28:00.000-05:00

In my continuing quest to be responsive to my readers, who like their political rants tempered with stupid, Beavis & Butthead style humor, I offer the second installment in the occasional feature entitled, "Funny Signs in London." I apologize for the quality, but this was taken from a moving taxi with a camera phone. You get the gist. And no, male readers, if you come to visit, I will not take you to "the centre" -- you're gonna have to find it on your own. Enjoy!

Boycott?

2006-02-20T12:36:00.000-05:00

I know, I know -- the cartoon thing is getting old, but I couldn't help but notice that this cartoon ran on the Saudi Arab News site yesterday. Apparently, they are saying that Jewish people chop the ears off other people and collect them.

This is offensive to me. I am planning to boycott Saudi products. Hmmm, since I don't have a car here in London, boycotting gasoline would be an empty gesture. So, I will need to boycott..... ummm, I have no idea. Maybe I'll just send them some paper cups?!

Back!

2006-02-20T12:28:00.000-05:00

Whew! After two+ weeks of business travel, it's nice to be back at home base. I left London on February 3 to spend a weekend at home in Boston before heading to a company meeting in Florida. The surreal nature of spending the next two weeks with coworkers ALL THE TIME was bit much to bear... Although Florida did have some bright spots, including watching my boss dance like the white man he is! We had a company event at some antique car museum (don't ask!) and when the DJ played AC/DC's Back in Black, he MADE me dance with him. It was quite an experience.

From Florida, I spent half a day at home, getting massive amounts of dental work and then hopped a plane for Barcelona, where I once again had "all work all the time". I think I may have gotten myself in a bit of trouble the night I stayed out drinking until 4 am (including helping to empty a colleague's mini bar) before an 8 am meeting. Good thing I'm charming or I might be unemployed.

After the tradeshow ended, my friend Margie joined me in Barcelona. I'm embarrassed to admit that we didn't do much over the weekend other than eat and sleep, but I did manage to buy two fabulous handbags while I was there!

Fireworks in Barcelona

2006-02-12T11:36:00.000-05:00

I'm in Barcelona after spending half a day in Boston (in transit). I used my few hours in Boston to go to the dentist. Apparently, when they gave me novocaine, they hit a nerve, resulting in a good 5 hours of an inability to speak, eat or drink any liquids whatsoever. My attempts at ordering a smoothie were rather embarrassing, as I tried to take a sip in the store and ended up with the drink all over my sweater... Good times.

At least I can eat and drink now that I'm in Barcelona. Last night, my co-worker made me walk all over the city with her while she looked for "interesting socks" -- seriously. Interesting socks. Ummm, ok?

She also kept talking about terrorism. I tried to explain to her that to the best of my knowledge, no newspapers in Barcelona printed the Mohammed cartoons, but she insisted that we should be vigilant. (BTW, CNN Europe's coverage seems to now be composed 50% of bird flu and 50% of the cartoons)

So about 10 minutes after this "terrorism" conversation, we're walking down the street and we see a parade. She starts getting all nervous, because she fears the terrorists will attack the parade. She even says to me, "We should get off this street. It's unsafe to be among crowds as that is where terrorists are most likely to hit." Now, starting tomorrow we're going to be at a tradeshow of like 40,000 people, but she's worried about parades.

Meanwhile, this is a main shopping thoroughfare, but she's convinced someone is going to attack the parade. Just as she's trying to hustle me off the street, some firecrackers go off as part of the parade -- she FREAKS OUT and starts screaming, "I told you so!" Meanwhile, I am on the ground laughing hysterically as all the little children on the street are pointing at the grown woman who is afraid of firecrackers.

Where in the world?

2006-02-08T16:31:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post to let you know I am traveling for work untl Feb. 20, so the posts may be sporadic for a few weeks. Keep checking back, though, because when I have time, I will let you all know about AC/DC, Leroy Brown, my informal global TV show poll and many other things that I am sure will be hilarious.